Navigating the Tensions of Presence: How Sibling Conflict and Harmony Enhance My Values
Navigating sibling conflicts and setting effective boundaries without punishment has been one of the greatest challenges of my four-year parenting journey. These tensions have profoundly tested my patience and resilience. Despite hours of coaching sessions with my peers at inviteCHANGE, I haven’t yet found an ideal solution. However, I’m eager to share the progress I’ve made in addressing sibling conflicts, along with a transformative coaching tool, my renewed value system, and a personal parenting story.
Whether you’re a parent dealing with sibling conflicts or feeling frustrated by conflicts at work or in other areas of life, I hope this article provides practical strategies and reassurance to help you navigate these tensions and find inner peace.
Long Journey with Conflict as a Mediator
After my parents divorced when I was 6, we continued living in the same apartment but in separate rooms. I often found myself mediating their conflicts, moving from one room to another.
This early experience shaped my approach to conflict. I learned to mediate by adapting to each party’s needs, often telling them what I thought they wanted to hear. But deep down, I felt clueless and powerless in understanding the root causes of their conflicts.
Even today, whether at work or in public, I tend to deflect conflicts by suggesting private discussions, hoping to uncover underlying needs and values — or simply avoiding them altogether.
Though many years have passed, and I’m no longer the 6-year-old Tian mediating for safety and survival, or the consultant striving for team harmony, I still often feel the same powerlessness when facing conflicts between my 4-year-old and 2-year-old sons.
It might seem like I’m making a big deal out of what seems like a small sibling fight, but deconstructing this tension has provided me with much deeper insight, as I am committed to honoring my core values of authentic connection and creative growth.
Aligning Values is Taking Actions of “Being”
“Hard choices can be easy when aligned with our values.” — one of the delivery leaders and my Triad Observation Coach at inviteCHANGE
Coaching Tool: Value Clarification Exercise
Understanding that aligning values is about “taking actions of ‘being,’ instead of mindlessly ‘doing’”, I felt compelled to delve deeper into the Value Clarification exercise at inviteCHANGE. Below, you’ll find visual notes from the exercises along with my reflections.
Renewed Core Value System
Through this process, my core values have undergone a profound renewal. Initially, as I explored my first round of the Value Clarification exercise, I sensed something was missing, especially in managing conflicts in my life, but I couldn’t pinpoint it or connect my values to make a clear decision.
During a 2-hour Discovery Session with my peer coach at inviteCHANGE, we delved deeply into this tension, and one value emerged with profound clarity: Integrity through Self-Love. It was a true aha moment for me.
In setting boundaries with integrity and self-love, I envisioned myself as a fish in a stream, effortlessly gliding through the water. Free from worry, I could swim swiftly and leap upstream, knowing that the current was guiding me toward the ocean. All I needed was to embrace the flow and thrive with a sense of freedom.
“If it is not acceptable to you that I say no, when I say yes, it has no integrity.” — Janet Harvey, CEO inviteCHANGE
I also recognized that my old belief about not being good at establishing boundaries was not unfounded: I had been intuitively saying “NO” to projects and activities with confidence. One of the potential next steps is to examine these decisions more closely and develop practical principles for applying them.
So, what is it about this sibling conflict that truly unsettles me? What is this tension really revealing? With these questions in mind, I reflected on a specific parenting moment that highlights the sense of powerlessness I felt during a recent sibling conflict:
Parenting Snapshot of Sibling Conflicts
Turning Powerlessness into a Self-Care Moment
Reflecting on my factual memory, I want to acknowledge my resilience in maintaining an authentic connection with my kids in this situation. I was earnestly striving to uphold boundaries (ensuring safety within our home) while fostering empathy and cooperation with my kids. Although my internal physical reactions were similar, the sense of powerlessness I felt differed from my experiences during my parents’ conflicts.
What I truly need to do is to enter my kids’ space earlier, notice the small flickers and moments, remain patient in reinforcing the boundary I care about most and continue approaching both of my children with equal love. This means acknowledging and validating their feelings of hurt, jealousy, competition, or fear of losing their place.
Most importantly, I need to grant myself more grace, trusting in my ability to manage this tension and not be swayed by limiting beliefs rooted in past experiences. Taking a deep breath serves as a self-care moment — a reminder that I can handle this.
Managing Sibling Conflict with Gentle Parenting Strategies
Additionally, I’ve researched strategies that align with my gentle parenting philosophy. Here’s a brief summary of the approaches I plan to employ for addressing sibling conflict:
“We change behavior by learning to regulate the feelings that come before the behavior, not by focusing on the behavior and punishing something after, the order is totally off.” — Dr. Becky Kennedy, Good Inside
Step 1: Take a closer look over time and ask open, curious questions to understand the patterns in the conflicts.
Step 2: Dig into the underlying needs and feelings driving these conflicts.
Step 3: Regulate the feelings by naming them and articulating their needs.
Step 4: Work together to create strategies that work for everyone.
Bottom Line: Set clear physical boundaries to keep both kids safe.
Thank you for reading this short lesson. I’m keen to learn from your wisdom and suggestions on the following:
What’s your assumption on how conflict serves us? What’s your favorite takeaway from my visual notes? What would you like to see more or less of? Any other suggestions?
Wednesday Wondering:
Every week, I share the most wondering thing I’ve learned in Generative Coaching. Drawing from my coaching notes, insights from user research, and my passion as a meditative art facilitator, I’ll share short lessons that help me rediscover joyful purposes in life and work. With a beginner’s mind, join me on the tide of coaching together.
Resources and References:
- inviteCHANGE: An organization dedicated to empowering individuals and organizations to live authentically, align with their values, and cultivate prosperity.
- Harvey, Janet. Conflict in the Workplace: When Conversations Are Uncomfortable. YouTube video, 45:32. Posted by inviteCHANGE, August 1, 2024. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaT-DTzyPS8
- Kennedy, Becky. Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. [Publisher], 2024.
- What Can I Do to Stop My Kid’s Aggressive Behavior.” YouTube video, 22:30. Posted by Becky Kennedy, April 10, 2024. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fiazouNjA0
